Can You Hear Me Now?

Recently, MSNBC reported on a trend of people being buried with their cell phones and BlackBerrys.  My initial thought was that individuals felt that doing so would give them a lifeline, in the event that they weren't really dead.  However, the article emphasized that the real reason people are choosing to be buried with their phones was because of their personal attachment to them.  Or for loved ones to be able to leave voicemails for the deceased.

I believe that there are two problems with this phenomenon:

1) As a society, we have unhealthy relationships with our cell phones

2) We are misguided in our understanding of what consists a proper funeral and burial.

I'll leave it to others to debate problem #1.  This isn't the appropriate forum.  Here's my take on Problem #2.

When someone dies, the relationship between body and soul ceases to exist.  The body has holiness and is to be respected and treated appropriately, but the person as he or she was known is no longer.  Death is not a time to try and maintain the living relationship.  That is why we don't bury the deceased in street clothing, we don't use fancy coffins, or embellishments.  

It is sad that many people have a misguided understanding of death.  That being said, it is very important to be sensitive to their needs and concerns, and in no way to hurt or cause additional pain to the loved one's family.  But there needs to be appropriate education, teaching what is right and wrong.

Interview on JM in the AM

This morning I was interviewed by Nachum Segal on JM in the AM, a popular morning radio show broadcast in the tri-state area, as well as on the web.  

As this week is Parshas Chayei Sara, I was talking about how Avraham's efforts to purchase a burial place for Sara set a precedent for the importance of Jewish burials.  A precedent that the Hebrew Free Burial Association has been following for the past 120 years.  Our commitment to Chesed Shel Emes is the same today as it was 120 years ago, and as it was with Avraham.

To hear the interview, please click here.

Green Funerals

With a new emphasis on environmental issues, it was only a matter of time that the focus would turn to funerals.  Among the criteria for "Green Funerals" are:

"Un-embalmed remains are put directly into the ground, either shrouded in cloth or buried in natural caskets made of biodegradable materials, such as ... pine." (NPR - Burials and Cemeteries Go Green)

In other words, a "green funeral" is a traditional Jewish burial.  The coffins traditionally used in a Jewish funeral are made out of pine wood.  In fact, they are built with wooden nails; no metal is used.  The deceased is dressed in plain burial shrouds.

The reason for simplicity in burial is because Judaism wants decomposition to take place.  Man was fashioned from dust and should be returned to dust.  The burial procedure is a reminder that our bodies are not ours forever, they are a gift on loan from the A-mighty.

But for now, when someone asks you about "going green" you can tell them that your funeral will be green, as Judaism has been practicing for thousands of years.

The Cemetery Is Falling

As first reported in the Yorkshire Evening Post and subsequently picked up by The Yeshiva World, Hill Top Cemetery in Leeds, UK has been ordered closed for safety concerns.

This is a sad, and apparantly unavoidable situation.  Is anyone aware of anything similar occuring in the past?

Visiting the Cemetery Before Rosh Hashana

There is a custom to visit the cemetery prior to Rosh Hashana, which begins this coming Monday night.  

• The cemetery is a place where we are reminded of the interim nature of our existence on earth. 
• The cemetery reminds us of the sacrifices our ancestors made for us, to inspire us to sacrifice for the next generation.  
  
• The cemetery brings a visual to the words, "who will live and who will die" (and if you walk through Mount Richmond Cemetery or Silver Lake Cemetery, it is also a reminder of "who will be enriched and who will be poorer.")
  

The High Holidays are an opportunity to cleanse the sins of the past so we can grow in the future.  Going to the cemetery is only one element of the process. 

It is my hope that everyone takes advantage of this special period of the year and that everyone's prayers are well received. 

September 11

Today is September 11, 2008, the 7th anniversary of the terrorist attacks that have made 9/11 part of our lexicon. The following is something I wrote 4 years ago, upon my first visit to a post 9/11 Ground Zero.

I believe that we all learned lessons on 9/11, and on this date, we should remember what we learned and try to become better people because of it.

*********************************************************

On this site, on August 21, 2002,
Governor George E. Pataki of New York,
Governor James E. McGreevy of New Jersey, and
Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg of New York City
proclaimed that in honor of the heroes of
September 11, 2001, this viewing wall would be erected
by the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey
so that the world community can reflect upon
and remember the events that took place here,
and draw strength and inspiration, as we rebuild


For me, September 11, 2001 will always trigger memories of Mevaseret Zion, Israel, where I was when the attacks occurred. This distance from New York has played a significant role in my personal memories of 9/11, where I have felt disconnected from what occurred on that day. To create a bridge from Israel to New York, to develop a web, where everything is intertwined, in order to give myself a truer, more meaningful understanding of what happened on that horrific September morning, I am now standing at Ground Zero.

A plane flies overhead. I close my eyes and try to imagine a September morning a few years past. Chills begin to radiate up and down my spine.

There is a silence to the place. Not the silence of noise, as I am listening to the soundtrack of New York City traffic, but rather a visual silence, an empty space, where so much had stood. What seems like eons ago, but in reality, is only a short two and a half years past.

I place my fingers on the cold steel fence, which acts as a cage for the entire site, and my eyes become transfixed, staring into the dark and hollow pit. Inside, there is no activity. Just a pit with abandoned construction materials, waiting to be awoken from their slumber.

Various signs adorn the fence. Among them are six large signs proclaiming, “The Heroes of September 11, 2001.” A countless number of names adorn each sign. Each name representing a life that is no more.

One sign reads, “The Pentagon” and tells the story of the airplane that crashed into that impenetrable fortress, the headquarters of our country’s military. Another sign tells the tale of the plane that fell out of the sky in “Stonycreek Township, Pennsylvania.” Even though Ground Zero remains the Mecca, the literal ground zero, of the tragedy of September 11, New York remembers the attacks that occurred elsewhere.

Another sign acts a reminder that New York City and the World Trade Center were not strangers to terrorism. “February 26, 1993.”

At the corner of Church Street and Liberty Street, a man stands wearing a white construction hat, a clipboard in his hand. “Anyone need any help? I’ll talk to people,” he announces to no one in particular. A family of four approaches and asks for directions. He gladly assists and points them towards where they want to go.

As I begin to head towards the subway, I see a man walking down the street, yelling in a loud voice, “This is history. Don’t let gbr tjy yaq.” His voice trails off as he walks. Intrigued, I turn around and follow him. “Know the facts. Know the facts,” he cries out. He seems very passionate about this site. He is holding photos of different pictures of the Twin Towers. He obviously is looking for an audience. A family from Minnesota is more than happy to stop and listen to him. Slowly, a crowd gathers, as he begins to speak.

“This is history. Don’t let it be a mystery” he begins. “Ah,” I say to myself, “that is what he was saying. Nice rhyme.” He continues, “Don’t let anyone tell you that only two buildings came down. Seven buildings that were a part of the World Trade Center complex came down. Two additional buildings were destroyed as well.” And he tells us to turn our heads, and he points to a building that is covered in black material, “that building will be the tenth.” Apparently, they are dismantling that building, one floor at a time, as it is not safe enough for use.

The man tells the tale of the growth of downtown Manhattan. He shows us a photograph taken not long after the Twin Towers were built. Then he shows us a photograph taken twenty-five years later. The difference is striking. No longer standing alone, the Twin Towers are now surrounded by many friends.

“Over 80 buildings were damaged on 9/11.” He has us look at the buildings across the street. “All new windows. Every window in a four block radius of the World Trade Center had to be replaced.” “Ah,” I say to myself, as before, I had observed that the buildings across the street, standing in all of their majesty, seemed oblivious to the destruction that had occurred right in front of their eyes.

The man points out the difference between the sidewalk on which we are standing, and the sidewalk across the street. The one across the street is a darker shade of grey, “New York Grey” he calls it. The sidewalk where we are standing is brand new. It needs a “New York Summer” with the sun baking down on it, in order for the color to become New Yorkified.

He concluded his presentation and continued to walk down the street, “This is history. Don’t let gbr tjy yaq,” his voice trailing as he walked.

I turned to take one last look at Ground Zero and headed towards the subway. As I was walking, I felt confident that no longer would 9/11 feel distant to me. It was history, and for me, was no longer a mystery.

"The Antidote To Death Is Life"

This week's Science Times had an interesting article about death, Perhaps Death Is Proud; More Reason to Savor Life.  It is written by a nurse who documents the struggle of trying to revive a patient who unexpectedly suffers a cardiac arrest and ultimately dies.

She concludes her article with a plea to live.  She writes

What can one do? Go home, love your children, try not to bicker, eat well, walk in the rain, feel the sun on your face and laugh loud and often, as much as possible, and especially at yourself. Because the only antidote to death is not poetry, or drama, or miracle drugs, or a roomful of technical expertise and good intentions. The antidote to death is life.

As we are now in the month of Elul, only several weeks away from Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur, it is incumbent on us to reasses our lives and our priorities.  The author writes some "new year resolutions" for us, and we can all think of some more.  But the underlying point is we want to live. 

The High Cost of Dying

The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles recently published an interesting article about the high cost of dying. The following excerpt is relevant to Chesed Shel Emes.

For the indigent, the Jewish Community Burial Program, offered through Jewish Family Service of Los Angeles, provides a traditional Jewish burial at no cost... (The toll-free contact number is (887) 275-4537.)

"No one should have to make an un-Jewish and undignified choice because of cost," Funeral Practices Committee chair Hyman said.

Additionally, some cemeteries, including Hillside and Mount Sinai, do not charge for the burial of a child. "The family has enough tzuris (trouble). They don't need any more," Mount Sinai's Lawrence said.

My question is, does anyone know of any New York area cemeteries that don't charge for the burial of a child?

Once You Pop You Can't Stop Redux

I just watched a short online video by Rabbi Yaakov Salomon about the designer of the Pringles Can being cremated and having his ashes placed in an empty can (click here to watch). I wrote about this last month (see here) and was happy to see Rabbi Salomon discuss this as well. (Full disclosure - Rabbi Salomon is my wife's uncle).

Rabbi Salomon argues that while someone's last wishes are important, they shouldn't always be followed. He tells the story of a league of bowlers, who on their graves it is written, "they lived to bowl." This isn't a fitting way to be remembered.

So I ask you, what would your last request be? Would your last wish be something profound, like Randy Pausch's, who wanted to insure his children would remember him, and learn from him, while he is gone. That sounds a lot better than a pringles can or a bowling bowl.

The Last Lecture

I was inspired by Randy Pausch. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Dr. Pausch was a professor at Carnegie Mellon University who passed away last week from Pancreatic Cancer. Dr. Pausch's story became an international phenomenon after he gave his "Last Lecture" this past September, with the knowledge that he would be dead by now. The lecture has been seen by millions online, translated into different languages, and inspired a best-selling book.

What makes Dr. Pausch's story amazing is that even when he was staring death in the face, he lived his life to the fullest. He loved his life and loved living it. He loved his wife, his kids, his students, his profession. He loved the gifts that were given to him.

He was lucky. Many are not.

He was given the opportunity to package a legacy to leave for his children. Through his lecture and book, he has left a personal manifesto for them. He had the time to prepare personal letters and videos for each of them. To take them on vacations and to leave them with memories. He had the time, and the knowledge that it was being taken away from him.

We all know that life is a gift. When we wake up in the morning, the first words out of our mouth's are Modeh Ani, thanking Hashem for returning our souls to our bodies for another day on His great earth. However, we don't always live with the constant realization that our time is precious. We go about our day-to-day lives. We make life routine.

The message from Randy Pausch is to live life to its fullest. Take advantage of every day. We should take the time to commit our thoughts about life to writing or video for future generations. We should build a legacy of words that are a reflection of our actions.

When Dr. Paucsh gave his lecture, it was in front of 400 people. His real target audience was a group of 3, his children. His reach has extended to millions around the world, regardless of faith, age, race, or sex. That is a true legacy for his children. We should learn from him, and be inspired to improve our own lives.

The Last Lecture
The Last Lecture (Amazon.com)

Reinterment

Hirhurim Musings recently posted a write up of the laws of disinterring a body. On occasion, HFBA has dealt with disinterment requests, and while each case is addressed on its own merits, the Hirhurim article is a solid overview of the topic. Click here to view it.

Standing By Myself With Thousands By My Side

On Sunday June 30, I officiated at a funeral. And like all of the other funerals where I've officiated, I was alone with the grave diggers. And once the grave was filled in, and the diggers left, it was just me. While this is tragic, I had a tremendous realization at that exact moment, that I wasn't alone at all.

G-d was standing with me, giving me the strength to assist Him in escorting the deceased to the Next World. This person's deceased relatives were with me, welcoming their loved one. All the deceased at Mount Richmond Cemetery were there as well, in a special section of the next world, for those who suffered in this world. All the recipients of Meis Mitzvah were there as well.

When we perform a mitzvah, we're partnering with G-d. Our doing G-d's will is a manifestation of G-d's greatness in this world. And when a mitzvah is performed, those connected with it show up for the occasion, physically or meta-physically. They want to partner in glorifying G-d's name.

It's been said before but it bears repeating. When a person is buried by the Hebrew Free Burial Association, that person had to have some special merits to ensure they were taken care of. When someone dies, it is only through the good fortune of having an experienced social work, a compassionate landlord, a perceptive public administrator, that people come to us. So when a person is lowered into the ground in this world, the next world pays attention. "Who is this special person?" "I want to escort them as well."

So while I was standing by myself, I was standing with thousands, and more importantly, with G-d, performing his work. To paraphrase Pirkei Avos, "if not HFBA, then who?"

It Would Be Even Sadder...

In 1996, the NY Times wrote a profile about Rabbi Shmuel Plafker, the Cemetery Chaplain of the Hebrew Free Burial Association.

As he shoveled dirt onto the coffin, the rabbi [Rabbi Plafker] philosophized about his job. "This might be sad," he said, "but it would be even sadder if she had been sent to the potter's field."

This one line sums up the mission of HFBA. Our cases are tragic. Yet, something is right. Somewhere, our clients had a merit that ensured that they received a proper Jewish burial.

(To read the complete NY Times article, please click here)

Once You Pop You Can't Stop

Growing up, there was a great commercial for Pringles with the catchphrase, "Once you pop, you can't stop." The expression referred to popping open a can of Pringles. Unlike traditional potato chips, which were bag packaged, Pringles were dispensed in a cool can. I never gave thought to the Pringles Can until earlier this month when I saw the headline, The Man Buried in a Pringles Can.

Fredric Baur, the creator of the Pringles Can, wished for his ashes to be placed in a Pringles Can upon his death. As written in the aforementioned article

...when Frederic Baur died after a battle with Alzheimer's, Larry [his son] and his siblings stopped at Walgreen's for a burial can of Pringles on their way to the funeral home. "My siblings and I briefly debated what flavor to use," Baur says, "but I said, 'Look, we need to use the original.

Ignoring the Jewish view of cremation for a moment (for the record; against), we've become a society that belittles death and deceased. Solemn funerals are old fashioned. The trend now is for a custom casket, preferably one emblazoned with the deceased's favorite team's logo. Or a casket that when opened plays music from the deceased's favorite band. Or a can of Pringles (preferably Original Flavor).

A discussion needs to start about proper burial rites. Last week, I attended a Volunteer Conference for Baby Boomers. An elderly non-Jewish person came up to me and said,

When I die, I want a Jewish funeral. There's so much extra today that's ridiculous, and expensive. I just want a plain box and a plain service.

I'm not advocating Jewish burials for everyone, but I think people need to stop and recognize the waste in today's funeral market, as well as recognizing that despite the deceased's request, a Pringles Can is not a proper final resting place.

Lost in the Morgue

TRENTON -- City police acknowledged ... that missteps in paperwork caused the body of a woman to remain unidentified at the Mercer County morgue since 1999, even though detectives believed they knew who she was seven years ago.
(Click here to continue reading the full story)

This gross neglect of a human being, destined to languish in a morgue for nine years, is tragic. And while there have been discussion regarding the neglect from the morgue supervisors, the police department, and the medical examiner, i don't understand how for nine years, day after day, the morgue would operate, and no one noticed that the same space never became vacant?

I'm all for investigations into the bureaucratic failures that took place. But the reality is controlled not by bureaucrats but by the rank and file employees. They need to examine their job performance. Are they so detached from what they do that they fail to notice someone for nine years?

Or maybe it isn't their fault. Is it common for neglect to occur? What's the average time a body takes residence in a morgue? If a person remains unclaimed, where are they moved to? Under whose auspices? What care is given for religion? Do morgues employ Chaplains? These questions need to be answered, and if unsatisfactory, they need to be addressed and solutions found. Until then, what protections exist for a person arriving at the morgue today to ensure that they won't be left to depart for another nine years?

"G-d has me around for a reason—to win a funeral."

Click here for a follow up to the free funeral promotion at a minor league baseball game.

The money quote belongs to the winner who said, "I almost croaked many times. G-d has me around for a reason—to win a funeral."

The emotion here is sadness over the trivialization of all things serious.

Oskar Schindler's Gravesite

According to a recent report on The Yeshiva World, the grave of Oskar Schindler, who is buried in a Catholic Cemetery in the old city of Jerusalem, has been neglected. This is a sad story, that the Righteous Gentile's grave, who saved so many from Hitler's wrath, has been ignored.

Oskar Schindler was a wealthy person. He obviously was able to arrange to be buried in Jerusalem. He obviously has the well wishes of the entire Jewish people. If such a person's grave can be neglected after death, what hope is there for people who died poor, anonymously, without any fanfare?

The Hebrew Free Burial Association is devoted to preventing this from happening. Every Jew deserves a proper Jewish burial. Every Jew deserves a grave that is cared for. HFBA's Leave Your Mark campaign has marked over 15,000 previously unmarked graves. We care for the graves, making sure they are treated with respect.

The other lesson from this story is that of HaKaras HaTov, acknowledging the good that has been done for us. Hopefully, someone in Israel, an organization, the government, someone, will respond to this story, and ensure that such an honorable person's burial site is also treated with honor and respect.

AIRHOGS TO GIVE AWAY FREE FUNERAL

Grand Prairie, TX (06.02.08) – The Grand Prairie AirHogs Professional Baseball team will be offering one lucky (or unlucky!) fan a free funeral as part of a promotion on Tuesday, June 3. All expenses will be covered by the Chapel of Roses Funeral Home and Oak Grove Memorial Gardens, both located in Irving, TX....

Some of the in-game-festivities will include: pallbearer races, mummy wrapping, eulogy deliveries, and much more! Fans are encouraged to wear black to the game.
(Click here for story)

When I read this story, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or to cry. When I take groups to Silver Lake Cemetery to help clean, I always stress to them the importance of what they're doing and tell them that a certain level of seriousness is required. And I always conclude by saying, "you're at a cemetery, and not playing ball."

The promotion of a funeral home at a baseball game is an example of the lack of fences in society today. Koheles teaches us "Lakol Zeman VaEis - for everything, there is a time and a season." There is a time for baseball, and times for funerals. Merging them together, even for fake funerals, is a mockery of the practice. You wouldn't want to see a hot dog vendor at a cemetery.

There is a time and a place for fun and promotions. I think though we need to make sure that what is promoted is consistent with the event. Funerals and baseball? Not a winning combination.

Memorial Day at Mount Richmond Cemetery

Fannie Kaplan - Part Three

As I previously posted, last Thursday, the 12th grade from Solomon Schechter School of Westchester High School came to Mount Richmond Cemetery to pay their respects to Fannie Kaplan. I've posted some of the pictures from the outing here.

Joseph Silverman, great nephew of Fannie Kaplan, saying Mizmor L'Dovid (Psalm 23) by her grave

Rabbi Shmuel Plafker, HFBA's Cemetery Chaplain, reciting Keil Maleh by her grave

Fannie Kaplan Revisited

Last January, I posted the video and story of Fannie Kaplan. This week, the story has taken a fascinating new twist. To see the video, please visit my previous post here.

The Story of Fannie Kaplan

On December 5, 1928, twenty month old Fannie Kaplan succumbed to spinal meningitis. Her immigrant parents couldn’t afford a grave for their little girl, so the Hebrew Free Burial Association arranged for Fannie’s burial at Mount Richmond Cemetery on Staten Island.

Fast forward to June 18, 1991. Among the first graves to be marked as part of HFBA’s Leave Your Mark campaign, were 75 graves of children. The next day, Bernard Kaplan happened to buy a NY Post at his local newsstand. An article about the ceremony was on page 23. The article began,

“Little Fannie Kaplan died more than 60 years ago, but her grave – and those of 74 other poor, long-dead Jewish children – was not marked with a headstone until yesterday.”

Bernard couldn’t believe it. He knew he had a sister buried in Staten Island, but never knew where. It was something that always bothered him. As he said,

“…when I read the paper, and I see a stone being placed, and next to the stone it says "Fannie Kaplan" I said this is quite a miracle. This is something I'm searching for 60 years, and to never find out where my sister was buried. This was really a miracle. It took me 60 years to find my sister.”

Last week, HFBA received an e-mail from Claire Silverman. The Solomon Schechter School of Westchester High School, where her son is a student, was scheduled to visit Mount Richmond Cemetery.

“[My son’s] great Aunt, I believe, is buried in Mt. Richmond, she is my father's sister and she died when she was two years old. Would you please let me know if they are going to this cemetery, there is an interesting history behind all of this.”

Her father Bernard Kaplan had once mentioned that he had a sister Fannie buried at Mount Richmond Cemetery. Numerous e-mails were exchanged back and forth, everyone in shock about the circumstances.

Tomorrow, the Solomon Schechter School of Westchester High School is going to Mount Richmond Cemetery, for what is sure to be an extremely touching moment, when little Fannie Kaplan’s grave is visited by her great-nephew, all because she was treated with such dignity and respect when she passed away, more than 60 years later, and another 17 years after that.

---

Follow up, click here for pictures from the outing.

Blogging Again

My apologies for my extended blogging hiatus. With Pesach now well out of the rear view mirror, I hope to resume posting on a somewhat more frequent basis.

The Funeral and Shiva as One

Recently I've been struggling with the question of how to eulogize someone who wasn't a model citizen. What do you say that will be a comfort to the deceased, his family, and friends, while at the same time, not lying about who the person was?

After giving this question much thought, I've realized that it must be understood by all in attendance that the funeral, and the eulogies, is only the beginning of the mourning process, and is supposed to act as a springboard for the week of shiva to further remember the individual and discuss his life. It is extremely difficult for a eulogy, under any circumstances, to fully capture the essence of a person. More time, and discussion is needed.

When someone dies whose life wasn't one harmonious unit, whose life was filled with struggle, it is difficult to satisfy all who knew him. Some people remember a person who was lively and loved learning and singing, while those who knew him when he dies, remember someone who wasn't observant at all. In this situation, it is important that different portraits of the individual emerge at the funeral. They are not a lie or contradiction. They are all part of a greater mosaic, a story with chapters of complexity.

The week of shiva offers the opportunity to create perspective, and for the friends and family to discuss the person who they knew. Each guest will have a different perspective of the deceased; and for them, that is what they can talk about, to help themselves and the mourners heal.

When someone dies, emotions reign supreme over the intellect. Sometimes, in the rush to arrange a funeral, not enough time or thought goes into a eulogy. Or emotions cause people to hear things that were said one way in a different manner, or even to hear things that weren't said. That is why it is important to consider the funeral as only the first step in the mourning process. And the week of shiva is a continuum, where there is time to think about the deceased, and about the eulogies, and to hopefully put everything into a perspective that will help each person heal accordingly.

Living For Every Moment

Earlier this week, a young man in my community died suddenly. He left behind a wife, a mother, and brothers. His father tragically died 11 years earlier. A very sad and tragic story, and one that's difficult to find meaning in. But here's my attempt.

When you break it down, life is a sequence of moments. And we string moments together to create a narrative; of our day, our week, our year. In the narrative, we tend to leave out the time in between the moments. They're only placeholders, enabling us to get from Point A to Point B. Perhaps, one can assume, the "placeholder" is intrinsically worthless. I say that a tragedy, the death of a young man, a crane collapsing on a city block, a terrorist attack, should be the wakeup call to destroy the assumption of the "worthless placeholder."

Time is our greatest asset. It's what we never seem to have enough of, and passes us by too fast. Why is that? Because we devalue the in between time. The subway ride, the walk to work, the waiting for a friend to arrive. When we become cognizant of the reality that our time can be taken away from us at a moment's notice, then we should revalue the downtime. Make use of it. Make it into a moment.

How does one make wasted time into useful time? Think. Use the brain. Contemplate. Today its hard to think. We're distracted by our cell phone or our ipod. Start thinking. About what? Our life. Our family. What we can do for someone. What did someone do for us. Try and find a deeper meaning in our actions and relationships. Thinking can transform a minor moment and make it greater.

When tragedy strikes, it is a wakeup call. How can we improve ourselves? Our relationships with our spouses? Our children? Our parents, our siblings, our friends? How can we make better use of our time? Taking a tragedy, and using it as a springboard for improvement, will motivate us to become better people, which in reality, is a great tribute to the one who tragically, is no longer with us.

Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav

Two weeks ago, a terrorist, on a murderous rampage, murdered eight young students in Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav in Jerusalem. Many aspects of this tragedy have been discussed and written about, but I'm writing about the cleanup that followed the massacre.

The Torah writes, "And your camp should be holy." There are many different ways to describe being holy, but to paraphrase former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, who in describing something very unholy said, "I'll know it when I see it," I saw holiness in the cleanup that night. I strongly urge you to click on this link to see pictures of that effort, courtesy of Arutz Sheva. However, I warn you, the images are graphic and violent.

Holiness is caring for every last drop of spilled blood, every remnant of skin, and every last strand of hair. Seeing the attention given to every remnant of a life that once was a reminder of the great care that Judaism gives to the human body, in life and in death. The remains were collected with dignity and preserved to be buried with respect, and not discarded in a biohazard container.

Our bodies are not ours to do as we please with them. They are on loan from G-d. We don't have permission to destroy them. We need to care for our bodies, eat the right foods, exercise properly, moderate our alcohol consumption, and never put a cigarette in our mouths. Seeing the care given to the body after death, shouldn't we give at least equal care to the body when its alive?

Who Created You With Justice

It is well known that one says a bracha (makes a blessing) prior to eating food. However, it is not as well known that there is a bracha that is said when one hasn't seen a Jewish grave in the past thirty days. This bracha is called, Asher Yatzar Eschem BaDin (Who created you with justice).

The bracha is an acknowledgment that one's entire life, from when he is born to when he died (and when he will eventually be resuscitated), and all that he experienced in his life, was overseen by G-d's attribute of justice. This is an important lesson that helps give one perspective when he hasn't been in a cemetery for a while.

As we live our life, we are caught up in day to day living. We don't focus on the whys and hows of our existence. We don't focus on our place in the world, and what G-d does to us and for us. However, when we experience a death, we are shocked into thought. And when we go to a cemetery, we question why? And that's why we say the blessing. We are stating our belief that even though we don't know all the answers, we affirm that everything that G-d does is with justice.

This past month has seen many tragedies for the Jewish people. It is precisely at this point where we need to affirm our belief in G-d's justice. And as we greet the holiday of Purim, which tells the story of our triumph over our enemies, we should see another triumph this year, and see the end of all sorrow with the beginning of our redemption.

Jewish Burial Customs

It is not surprising that many people don't know all of the customs and procedures regarding a Jewish burial. This is not a topic taught to students while they are in school (although, HFBA is changing that, due to the success of the Cemetery Clean-Up Project).

While each case in unique, and there are minor differences based on location (burials in Israel are conducted a little differently than burials in the United States) or based on tradition (Ashkenazi as opposed to Sefardi), the basics are universal.

A great summary of these customs can be found at the website of the The Vaad Harabonim of Queens Chevra Kadisha. For a little bit more of an explanation, Aish.com has published an article by Rabbi Maurice Lamm entitled The Jewish Way of Death, which also contrasts Jewish with non-Jewish burial traditions.

I highly recommend visiting these websites and learning more about Jewish funerals and burials.

Hate Exists

While looking for some more information about the desecration of the Poile Zedek Cemetery in New Brunswick, NJ (see previous blog post about this), I was shocked to see how many recent cases of cemetery desecration have occurred in the United States. The Kansas legislature is reviewing legislation to make cemetery desecration a felony (as opposed to a misdemeanor). Among the most appalling recent instances of cemetery desecration occurred in a suburb of Chicago.

As reported by the local NBC affiliate the cemetery was desecrated by a 21 year old Polish immigrant, who is a member of a neo-Nazi organization.

"When you deal with people who are involved with these hate groups, their rationale is not something that most of us would ever understand," said Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart. "They usually are looking to stand out among their group."

How do we fight such movements? What can we do to protect our cemeteries?

On a practical level, we need to ensure that our cemeteries are properly enclosed. They should be fenced in and locked at night. While someone looking to commit a crime will find a way, all practical deterrents need to be employed.

Addressing the root of the problem, education is needed. Our children need to be taught about the injustices of history. Whether it is the Holocaust, or the historical oppression of African-Americans in the United States, or the current genocide in Darfur, we need to teach and inform others about history. Why these events took place? Why weren't the injustices stopped? What are the lessons that we can learn?

Hate exists. We need to educate our children that hate is wrong. We need to educate ourselves about hatred throughout history. Otherwise, society is doomed to a continuance of hate and intolerance.

Know Your Cemetery Fees

This past week, CBS2 in New York City reported on a potential case of price gouging by a cemetery. One hour prior to the funeral service's start, the funeral home received a call from the cemetery with a new price for the cemetery fees (not the grave, rather the grave opening). The price jumped from $1,100 to $3,500. A $2400 jump!

Why? President Lincoln's birthday.

Cemeteries are notorious for their overtimes and additional services fees. Funeral on a Sunday? Extra. Funeral in the afternoon? Extra. Funeral on a Sunday afternoon? Extra Squared.


What's the take home lesson from all this? Call your cemetery now!! Ask for a price sheet. Ask for all of the possible fees on all of the possible days. Sundays and Holidays. Ask them if there is an overtime charge? When does overtime begin? Get everything in writing. This way, there will be no surprises when the grave is needed.

One caveat. Cemeteries frequently change their prices. It is probably a good idea to call every year to make sure you have updated information.

Honoring our parents

The Torah teaches us that the reward for honoring one's father and mother is receiving long life. One of the reasons given by the commentators for this, is that honoring one's parents is time consuming. Especially as they age. A long life is "payback" of sorts for the time spent honoring one's parents.

Today, people are living longer and longer. Breakthroughs in science have brought us new medicines, surgeries, and treatments that were science fiction just a few years ago. However, while people are living longer, in many instances they require more care. And since people are living longer, there are more generations involved in the decision making for caring for our loved ones as they age.

It is important though, that people have a burial plan in place as well. While uncomfortable to discuss, it can alleviate much stress and aggravation when our loved one passes away. Death is business. While most funeral homes are honest and care about their clients, there are cases where an unscrupulous person took advantage of a family, who in great emotional distress, didn't have the ability to question the funeral home. Better to have everything planned (and as much as possible paid for) in advance, when the emotions aren't strong, and everything can be thought out and prepared properly.

We honor our parents by caring for them in life. By having a plan in place, it is easier, practically and emotionally, to honor them in death as well.

Cemetery Clean-Up Project

It's snowing today in New York, but my mind is thinking about the spring. The Hebrew month of Adar begins this week, the Super Bowl is over, pitchers and catchers report in two weeks, and the schedule is filling up for HFBA's Cemetery Clean-Up Project.

The Cemetery Clean-Up Project was instituted to ensure that Silver Lake Cemetery, and the people buried there, would not be forgotten. Our volunteers are the only visitors the cemetery receives. The work that our volunteers do is a major element of the cemetery's maintenance. By raking leaves, clearing debris, and moving downed tree limbs (among other tasks), our volunteers are involved in Chesed Shel Emes.

Our volunteers come from all over the tri-state region. We have students from middle school, high school, and college. Families coming on a Sunday with their children of all ages. Senior citizens participating in our annual chesed day. Every participant leaves our cemetery with a feeling of fulfillment and accomplishment. Beyond the physical work performed, they are making an impact just be being there. Recognizing that Silver Lake Cemetery is an important place in the history of Jews in America, and in New York City, in particular.

With the spring rapidly approaching, we are asking groups to sign up to participate in the project. For more information, please call our office, (212) 239-1662.

It all adds up - One day at a time

In a previous blog, I wrote about $10 donations adding up to something substantial. I'm going to break that down even more now. Every night, I empty the change in my pockets into my Coin Jar. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters. It all goes in. Last night, I decided to count my stash. In the past few months (when I previously emptied the jar) I stashed away over $31 in coins! $31 is not a monster amount, but it is significant. Literally, a nice chunk of change!

It's easy to not care about the few coins we have left over in our pocket each day. Its nothing. Paltry. Insignificant. But that's where small steps build into something big. So too with other aspects of our life.

Sometimes, we can view a task in front of us as challenging and looming. We're scared to begin. Instead of looking at the big mountain in front of us, we need to look at each component separately. Each part by itself is manageable. So that should be our approach.

One piece at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time.

When looking to make changes in our lives: diet, more time with family, read more, learn more, make small goals. Then proceed slowly and deliberately. Slowly, you will see progress, and substantial progress.

We value every second of life. Every breath is an opportunity to accomplish. No matter how small an accomplishment may seem, it is still an accomplishment and needs to be valued. This is a lesson that at HFBA, we try and impart to our clients.

And with our donors, we value every penny. It all adds up.

So today, start something small. A donation, time with your kids, more time in study. But take that first step. Come back to me in a few months. What you've collected will have added up to something big.

Fannie Kaplan

I could tell you the story of Fannie Kaplan but I couldn't do the story justice, so I'll let her brother, Bernard Kaplan (who has since passed away) tell you the story. Please view the video below.

(Transcript follows).



At the time Fannie passed away I was 8 years old. And she was 2. There was an epidemic. And then, of course, they had to bury this child. There was no money. Neither one had a bank book. Didn't have five cents in the bank.

An uncle of mine came along and he heard of an organization called the Hebrew Free Burial on the East Side. He contacted them. And they had come up and made all arrangements for burial and picked up the entire bill.

As the months went by, years went by, I say to my mother, "Ma, where is Fannie buried?" "Ich veisht nisht, epfes in Staten Island." And years went by and it always laid in back of my head, because no one gave me an answer.

Finally, I happened to go down one afternoon for a New York Post. And I see the headline, "Tragic Kids Never Forgotten." But when I read the paper, and I see a stone being placed, and next to the stone it says "Fannie Kaplan" I said this is quite a miracle. This is something I'm searching for 60 years, and to never find out where my sister was buried. This was really a miracle. It took me 60 years to find my sister.

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To particiapte in the Leave Your Mark program, to sponsor stones for indigent Jews, please contact the HFBA office at 212-239-1662.

Let G-d sort everything else out

While attending a conference yesterday, I was talking to people asking about HFBA, and our services. One person I spoke with asked me if someone had to be a religious, practicing Jew, to avail themselves of HFBA's services. I replied that HFBA buries all Jews, regardless of affiliation or observance. In death, we are all equal.

Man is not equipped to determine who G-d was pleased with or who G-d was disappointed with. Every Jew is buried wearing the same linen tachrichim (shrouds) and is placed in the same plain pine coffin. The graves are the same, and the prayers at the graveside are the same.

There is a human tendency to judge other people. We use our own standards of right and wrong and apply other people's actions to those standards. This is wrong on several points. First, how do we know that our standards of right and wrong are correct? Maybe we have the incorrect assumptions and ideas. Secondly, every person's life situation is different. I don't know the struggles my friend has. The challenges that he faces. What comes easy to him? What comes more difficult? What's easy for me might be quite difficult for someone else. How do I know?

There is an idea that says when we appear before G-d, he isn't going to ask us, "Why weren't you like _______ (fill in the blank with any great person over time, Abraham, Moses, David, etc..,)? Rather, we will be asked, "Why weren't you the best you during your life? Did you use all of your talents and gifts? Did you take advantage of everything I gave you?" What's expected of us is to make the best with what G-d has given us.

With this in mind, it is easy to understand why in death we are all equal. Only G-d knows what each person accomplished relative to their talents and gifts. G-d will sort out who belongs where in the next world. As for us, we treat everyone equally, as in death, we are all equal.

Cemetery Desecration

In the beginning of January, the Poile Zedek Cemetery in New Brunswick, NJ was vandalized. Hundreds of tombstones were toppled over, many of them suffering permanent damage. The alleged perpetrators of the crime are four teenagers. What has happened where teens can confuse a graveyard with a play yard?

I don't know what could motivate anyone to commit such an act of desecration, but I was moved by the coverage of this story in the media. Fortunately, the story wasn't ignored, and fortunately, work is underway to raise funds to restore the cemetery.

This is an opportunity to raise awareness of important cemetery issues. The Jewish concept of funeral and burial goes beyond the funeral. We erect monuments by the deceased. We visit the graves of our ancestors on a semi-regular basis. We go to the cemetery prior to important events, and before the High Holidays. The cemetery is not forgotten.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are cemeteries where the dead aren't visited. The graves aren't cared for. Everything is left and abandoned. At the Hebrew Free Burial Association, we work hard to ensure that doesn't happen. Our Cemetery Clean-Up Project enlists the help of volunteers to clean and maintain Silver Lake Cemetery. The volunteers walk around the cemetery, showing a commitment to not forget the people buried there. At Mount Richmond Cemetery, HFBA's donors have erected over 15,000 stones for previously unmarked graves.

There are sick people who seek enjoyment by desecrating a cemetery. Besides the financial loss incurred, there is a strong emotional loss as well. It is scary and traumatic. Hopefully, the perpetrators will be brought to justice. And perhaps, we can all learn a valuable lesson about the importance of cemeteries, and we can renew our commitment to ensuring they're treated with proper reverence and respect.

Alone at the grave

It is important to find the good in even the worst situations. That is especially true in my line of work, dealing with the forgotten in society. A month ago, I had the privilege of being the only person at the funeral for a man in his 70s who died all alone. He had never married, and his only sibling has a disability and is living in Arizona.

I say this was a privilege. Besides performing the mitzvah of burying this man, I was able to look around the cemetery and learn something about his life. As I previously wrote, many of our clients come to us without a full history. Here, we didn't know his Hebrew name or his parents' Hebrew names. But at the cemetery, he was buried next to his parents, and their stones revealed their names, and enough information to have an educated guess for his Hebrew name.

That person who we buried though had to have had some special merits to him. His funeral was paid for by the staff at a hospital where he volunteered. They ensured he was buried next to his parents. He had all of the proper ritual preparations performed prior to his burial. The necessary prayers were said at the funeral. This man must have done some positive things in his life that put into motion the sequence of events leading up to his burial.

We are all put in situations where we ask ourselves, "how did I get here?" Standing alone at the grave site, I asked myself that question. Why is it that I have been put in the situation of ensuring that every Jew receives a proper and dignified burial and funeral? I don't have an answer to this question, but I do know that I am a better person because of it.

If you want to gain perspective about life, about our friends, our family, go to the cemetery and walk around. Look at the stones. See when people died; were they young or old? Did they have family? A spouse? A child? I defy you to leave the cemetery the same as when you entered. You will have been transformed by the experience, and will truly appreciate your life's situation so much more for it.

Gone and forgotten

"You can't take it with you." That phrase is most commonly associated with money. However, it is becoming clearer to me that is also refers to one's history. When we die, so do our stories, our ideas, our memories. Now, many are fortunate enough to be survived by friends and loved ones. Many of the stories are known and the tales are retold from generation to generation. Family trees are drawn up and people are remembered. When the memories live on, the person lives on.

What's tragic is when someone isn't survived by friends or family. Then, the memories die too. Unfortunately, more often than not, the cases that come in to the Hebrew Free Burial Association have no relatives. The person's history is nonexistent. Who is this person? What did she do? Where did she live? What were her parents names? Tragically, the person is forgotten.

There is a solution for us with family to ensure that our family histories are remembered. Tell it over. On Passover, the Mitzvah of retelling the story of the exodus from Egypt is formulated, V'Higadita L'Bincha, and you should tell it over to your children. Record our stories. Write them down. Relate them to friends and family. This is part of the beauty of the Steven Spielberg's Shoah Foundation. By recording the stories of Holocaust Survivors, it is ensured that they're stories will live on, even when they do not.

Dead End?

I just returned from spending a week with family in Florida. Every day, when I drove back to the apartment I passed the same "Dead End" sign. Definitely not the first Dead End sign I've seen and it definitely won't be the last. But I do not recall being in a situation where I've seen a Dead End sign on such a regular basis. The sign got me thinking though. Isn't Dead End redundant? If something is dead, then that's the end!

And then I thought about many of our cases. Unfortunately, dead is just the beginning. End would be when the person is buried, but sometimes, the gap in between can be very large.

When I got back to the office this morning, I looked at the memos of the cases we handled in the past week. I kid you not, we buried a person this past Sunday, January 13, 2008 who died on March 29, 2007. Due to several mix-ups, the person was sent to the morgue and was never registered there. He was there but completely unaccounted for, and only recently was he discovered! Fortunately, HFBA was contacted and we buried the man.

We are presented every day with messages. Some are clear and some are hidden. But when the hidden ones are found, like the "Dead End" sign, the clarity that results is crystal clear.

Death is down

Jay Leno 1/7/2008: "The economy is so bad now that even the funeral business is suffering. How is that possible? Are things so bad that you're actually putting off burying Grandma. Prop her up by the porch there until spring!"

Ignoring the punchline for a moment, that is true. Death is down industry wide. People are living longer and until the generation gap is bridged, death will be down.

Going back to the punchline, the economics of death being down refer to the add ons that come with a funeral and burial. As we tell our clients over the phone, "a funeral is a commodity like anything else. You can get something cheap or something expensive." My guess is that people aren't propping Grandma up on the couch, but rather, they are burying grandma in a simpler casket then they may have several years ago. They're probably ordering fewer flowers for the funeral. By reducing the "add ons" they're reducing the price.

Judaism's approach to funerals and burials is fundamentally different. In death, all are equal. Man was created from dust, and will be returned to dust. Jews are buried in a simple wooden coffin. No fancy mahogany finishes, no lined interior. We are buried in simple shrouds called tachrichin, which don't have pockets to emphasize that we can't take our wealth with us.

The emphasis at a funeral should be on the deceased and his or her deeds. It should be a time of reflection and introspection. Add-ons detract from this serious atmosphere. Additionally, the funeral "add-ons" are just an additional expense for people who are in a vulnerable position, trying to arrange a funeral.

Death is big business, and there is a lot of profit out there for people to make, which is fine. People are entitled to make a living. But this shouldn't be at the expense of common sense. If the "add-ons" are too expensive, then there is nothing wrong with a simple funeral and burial. The Jews have been doing so for thousands of years.

The value of a $10 donation

Last year, several letters landed on my desk from students doing research projects on non-profits. One of the questions that the students asked was "What will a $10 donation do for your agency?" This got me to thinking...what does $10 accomplish?

I don't think they would've wanted to hear that $10 will buy some pens that we need in the office. Or that it would pay for 66% of a $15 death certificate. While both answers are true, I'm not sure that was the intent of the question. After thinking about it, I decided to run a report on all of the $10 donations that the Hebrew Free Burial Association received the previous year. That year, HFBA received 1,136 $10 donations. Grand Total: $11,360.

Walking on 7th Avenue in New York City, there are people collecting money in large buckets for food for the homeless. They call out above the noise of NYC, "One penny! Just one penny to feed the homeless." One penny will NOT feed the homeless. But my penny, plus the next person's penny, and the extra generous person's dollar all add up. Together, the people of New York will feed the homeless.

The same applies to the $10 donations to HFBA. One $10 donation won't bury someone. But put together, all of our $10 donors enabled us to bury 6 indigent Jews. That is something to be proud of.

The temptation exists to minimize our good deeds. "I ONLY gave $10. It's not like I gave $100." Or, "I gave someone a ride, what's the big deal? " This is a destructive attitude. It is important to realize that all of the good we do is important. It makes us better people, while helping those around us.

The next time you give a donation to a charity, regardless of the amount, don't underestimate its importance. Your donation is important!

What does "Nothing" mean to you?

At work, we sometimes get a phone call where the person says that the deceased died with "nothing" in the bank account? What does nothing mean? I have friends who would consider $1,000 nothing. Would Lebron James consider $10,000 nothing, when he earns $27 Million annually?

At HFBA, our definition of nothing is nothing. Zero dollars in the bank. We do provide assistance to those who assets are greater than nothing, but everything is determined on a sliding scale based on the deceased assets. But it is important to understand that everyone has a different definition of nothing. My life's circumstances are different than yours. Based on our upbringing and current life status, we are conditioned to place dollar amounts into categories (this person has nothing, this person is wealthy). What we're really saying is that compared to us, this is where this person ranks.

In Ethics of our Fathers, the question is asked, "Who is wealthy?" Answer: "The one who is satisfied with his portion." In today's economic climate, this is an extremely important lesson to hold onto. As our home values shrink, or as our rent increases, our belts are tightened. The other day, I paid $47.00 to fill up a Toyota Camry with a tank of gas. What happened to $2 for half a gallon of orange juice? Our money is important. We need to adjust our spending and saving accordingly. But we can not lose sight of the blessings that we've received and to be happy with them. True happiness comes with satisfaction.

For those who have nothing (using the zero definition), they can be comforted with the fact that HFBA will be there when they need help the most.

Welcome - Death could be beautiful

It was not an easy decision to start a blog about my work. I decided to go ahead with it, with the hopes of being able to present information in a more contemporary, new media manner. I am viewing this blog as an extension of my desk. My digital notepad. I hope to update this space with interesting stories, stimulating links, and any other relevant information to all issues of death.

My opening message is about perspective. When I started working at HFBA, the message was about death and darkness. HFBA's promotional video was filmed in brutal winter weather, with no life and beauty to be found. Promotional materials were targeted to an older, aging, population.

There was another approach, that I believed would be more relevant in the 21st century. That of life and positives. Our new video was filmed in the late summer. The cemetery is shown with is beautiful foliage. There are videos of children volunteers cleaning Silver Lake Cemetery. New promotional materials emphasize the life of HFBA's clients.

The constant challenge is presenting death in a positive light. At the end of the day, death is scary. It is dark. It is gloomy. There is no avoiding that reality. However, it can be framed in a positive light. A clean cemetery. Students clearing garbage and raking leaves. Stressing the importance of the work that's done. Explaining, that while death is sad, what's sadder is someone dying and being left to rot. Being buried in a mass grave, without any ritual involved.

What's beautiful is that HFBA exists to ensure that every Jew who passes away receives a dignified Jewish Burial. That, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

HFBA Video