The Funeral and Shiva as One

Recently I've been struggling with the question of how to eulogize someone who wasn't a model citizen. What do you say that will be a comfort to the deceased, his family, and friends, while at the same time, not lying about who the person was?

After giving this question much thought, I've realized that it must be understood by all in attendance that the funeral, and the eulogies, is only the beginning of the mourning process, and is supposed to act as a springboard for the week of shiva to further remember the individual and discuss his life. It is extremely difficult for a eulogy, under any circumstances, to fully capture the essence of a person. More time, and discussion is needed.

When someone dies whose life wasn't one harmonious unit, whose life was filled with struggle, it is difficult to satisfy all who knew him. Some people remember a person who was lively and loved learning and singing, while those who knew him when he dies, remember someone who wasn't observant at all. In this situation, it is important that different portraits of the individual emerge at the funeral. They are not a lie or contradiction. They are all part of a greater mosaic, a story with chapters of complexity.

The week of shiva offers the opportunity to create perspective, and for the friends and family to discuss the person who they knew. Each guest will have a different perspective of the deceased; and for them, that is what they can talk about, to help themselves and the mourners heal.

When someone dies, emotions reign supreme over the intellect. Sometimes, in the rush to arrange a funeral, not enough time or thought goes into a eulogy. Or emotions cause people to hear things that were said one way in a different manner, or even to hear things that weren't said. That is why it is important to consider the funeral as only the first step in the mourning process. And the week of shiva is a continuum, where there is time to think about the deceased, and about the eulogies, and to hopefully put everything into a perspective that will help each person heal accordingly.

Gone and forgotten

"You can't take it with you." That phrase is most commonly associated with money. However, it is becoming clearer to me that is also refers to one's history. When we die, so do our stories, our ideas, our memories. Now, many are fortunate enough to be survived by friends and loved ones. Many of the stories are known and the tales are retold from generation to generation. Family trees are drawn up and people are remembered. When the memories live on, the person lives on.

What's tragic is when someone isn't survived by friends or family. Then, the memories die too. Unfortunately, more often than not, the cases that come in to the Hebrew Free Burial Association have no relatives. The person's history is nonexistent. Who is this person? What did she do? Where did she live? What were her parents names? Tragically, the person is forgotten.

There is a solution for us with family to ensure that our family histories are remembered. Tell it over. On Passover, the Mitzvah of retelling the story of the exodus from Egypt is formulated, V'Higadita L'Bincha, and you should tell it over to your children. Record our stories. Write them down. Relate them to friends and family. This is part of the beauty of the Steven Spielberg's Shoah Foundation. By recording the stories of Holocaust Survivors, it is ensured that they're stories will live on, even when they do not.