Don't Cremate

A recent article on msnbc.com asked the question, "Did Winehouse's funeral violate Jewish law?"  The answer sadly is that since Amy Winehouse was cremated, that was a violation of Jewish law and tradition.  Our bodies were born into this earth whole, and when we pass, they are to be returned to the earth whole as well.

What can we do to prevent more cremations from occurring?  The most important thing is to let our wishes be known, preferably in a legal document, that when we pass away, we want to be buried and not cremated.  Then, we need to discuss our choice with others, and let them know that we hold burial to be sacred.  Engage friends who may not know that cremation is against Jewish law.  Tell your children that cremation is wrong.

There is much work to be done on this front, but it is important to take sad stories in the news, and use them as teachable moments in the fight against cremation.

An Excuse to Talk About Death

I've found that talking about death is a taboo subject.  People don't want to talk about it.  There is no easy way to bring it up.  This is problematic when family members or social workers want to discuss end of life issues with their loved ones or clients.  "How do we bring up death?"  is among the questions I'm most often asked.

"How do we bring up death?"

I suggest that people follow the news for clues.  When someone famous dies, a window is opened for a serious discussion about our own mortality.  Recently, there have been two examples that serve as examples.  Senator Robert C. Byrd from West Virginia and George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees.  Both were major public figures whose deaths were (and in Mr. Steinbrenner's case, are still) major media stories.  It is our job to create a conversation that will allow us to springboard towards our loved ones.

Michael Jackson's death last summer provided me with a great teaching moment for high school students.  It opened an avenue to discuss how the Jewish approach to a funeral and burial was so very different than what we saw on TV and read in the papers.  And I found that the students were able to relate to these differences.

An important note:  Every situation is unique and regardless how the conversation is brought up, it needs to be done sensitively and with undivided attention.  Blackberries and phones need to be turned off.  The person needs to feel that you're speaking with them out of love and concern, and not because you're "anxious to see them go" and are already onto the next task. 

Once You Pop You Can't Stop

Growing up, there was a great commercial for Pringles with the catchphrase, "Once you pop, you can't stop." The expression referred to popping open a can of Pringles. Unlike traditional potato chips, which were bag packaged, Pringles were dispensed in a cool can. I never gave thought to the Pringles Can until earlier this month when I saw the headline, The Man Buried in a Pringles Can.

Fredric Baur, the creator of the Pringles Can, wished for his ashes to be placed in a Pringles Can upon his death. As written in the aforementioned article

...when Frederic Baur died after a battle with Alzheimer's, Larry [his son] and his siblings stopped at Walgreen's for a burial can of Pringles on their way to the funeral home. "My siblings and I briefly debated what flavor to use," Baur says, "but I said, 'Look, we need to use the original.

Ignoring the Jewish view of cremation for a moment (for the record; against), we've become a society that belittles death and deceased. Solemn funerals are old fashioned. The trend now is for a custom casket, preferably one emblazoned with the deceased's favorite team's logo. Or a casket that when opened plays music from the deceased's favorite band. Or a can of Pringles (preferably Original Flavor).

A discussion needs to start about proper burial rites. Last week, I attended a Volunteer Conference for Baby Boomers. An elderly non-Jewish person came up to me and said,

When I die, I want a Jewish funeral. There's so much extra today that's ridiculous, and expensive. I just want a plain box and a plain service.

I'm not advocating Jewish burials for everyone, but I think people need to stop and recognize the waste in today's funeral market, as well as recognizing that despite the deceased's request, a Pringles Can is not a proper final resting place.

The Funeral and Shiva as One

Recently I've been struggling with the question of how to eulogize someone who wasn't a model citizen. What do you say that will be a comfort to the deceased, his family, and friends, while at the same time, not lying about who the person was?

After giving this question much thought, I've realized that it must be understood by all in attendance that the funeral, and the eulogies, is only the beginning of the mourning process, and is supposed to act as a springboard for the week of shiva to further remember the individual and discuss his life. It is extremely difficult for a eulogy, under any circumstances, to fully capture the essence of a person. More time, and discussion is needed.

When someone dies whose life wasn't one harmonious unit, whose life was filled with struggle, it is difficult to satisfy all who knew him. Some people remember a person who was lively and loved learning and singing, while those who knew him when he dies, remember someone who wasn't observant at all. In this situation, it is important that different portraits of the individual emerge at the funeral. They are not a lie or contradiction. They are all part of a greater mosaic, a story with chapters of complexity.

The week of shiva offers the opportunity to create perspective, and for the friends and family to discuss the person who they knew. Each guest will have a different perspective of the deceased; and for them, that is what they can talk about, to help themselves and the mourners heal.

When someone dies, emotions reign supreme over the intellect. Sometimes, in the rush to arrange a funeral, not enough time or thought goes into a eulogy. Or emotions cause people to hear things that were said one way in a different manner, or even to hear things that weren't said. That is why it is important to consider the funeral as only the first step in the mourning process. And the week of shiva is a continuum, where there is time to think about the deceased, and about the eulogies, and to hopefully put everything into a perspective that will help each person heal accordingly.

Who Created You With Justice

It is well known that one says a bracha (makes a blessing) prior to eating food. However, it is not as well known that there is a bracha that is said when one hasn't seen a Jewish grave in the past thirty days. This bracha is called, Asher Yatzar Eschem BaDin (Who created you with justice).

The bracha is an acknowledgment that one's entire life, from when he is born to when he died (and when he will eventually be resuscitated), and all that he experienced in his life, was overseen by G-d's attribute of justice. This is an important lesson that helps give one perspective when he hasn't been in a cemetery for a while.

As we live our life, we are caught up in day to day living. We don't focus on the whys and hows of our existence. We don't focus on our place in the world, and what G-d does to us and for us. However, when we experience a death, we are shocked into thought. And when we go to a cemetery, we question why? And that's why we say the blessing. We are stating our belief that even though we don't know all the answers, we affirm that everything that G-d does is with justice.

This past month has seen many tragedies for the Jewish people. It is precisely at this point where we need to affirm our belief in G-d's justice. And as we greet the holiday of Purim, which tells the story of our triumph over our enemies, we should see another triumph this year, and see the end of all sorrow with the beginning of our redemption.

Jewish Burial Customs

It is not surprising that many people don't know all of the customs and procedures regarding a Jewish burial. This is not a topic taught to students while they are in school (although, HFBA is changing that, due to the success of the Cemetery Clean-Up Project).

While each case in unique, and there are minor differences based on location (burials in Israel are conducted a little differently than burials in the United States) or based on tradition (Ashkenazi as opposed to Sefardi), the basics are universal.

A great summary of these customs can be found at the website of the The Vaad Harabonim of Queens Chevra Kadisha. For a little bit more of an explanation, Aish.com has published an article by Rabbi Maurice Lamm entitled The Jewish Way of Death, which also contrasts Jewish with non-Jewish burial traditions.

I highly recommend visiting these websites and learning more about Jewish funerals and burials.

Honoring our parents

The Torah teaches us that the reward for honoring one's father and mother is receiving long life. One of the reasons given by the commentators for this, is that honoring one's parents is time consuming. Especially as they age. A long life is "payback" of sorts for the time spent honoring one's parents.

Today, people are living longer and longer. Breakthroughs in science have brought us new medicines, surgeries, and treatments that were science fiction just a few years ago. However, while people are living longer, in many instances they require more care. And since people are living longer, there are more generations involved in the decision making for caring for our loved ones as they age.

It is important though, that people have a burial plan in place as well. While uncomfortable to discuss, it can alleviate much stress and aggravation when our loved one passes away. Death is business. While most funeral homes are honest and care about their clients, there are cases where an unscrupulous person took advantage of a family, who in great emotional distress, didn't have the ability to question the funeral home. Better to have everything planned (and as much as possible paid for) in advance, when the emotions aren't strong, and everything can be thought out and prepared properly.

We honor our parents by caring for them in life. By having a plan in place, it is easier, practically and emotionally, to honor them in death as well.

Let G-d sort everything else out

While attending a conference yesterday, I was talking to people asking about HFBA, and our services. One person I spoke with asked me if someone had to be a religious, practicing Jew, to avail themselves of HFBA's services. I replied that HFBA buries all Jews, regardless of affiliation or observance. In death, we are all equal.

Man is not equipped to determine who G-d was pleased with or who G-d was disappointed with. Every Jew is buried wearing the same linen tachrichim (shrouds) and is placed in the same plain pine coffin. The graves are the same, and the prayers at the graveside are the same.

There is a human tendency to judge other people. We use our own standards of right and wrong and apply other people's actions to those standards. This is wrong on several points. First, how do we know that our standards of right and wrong are correct? Maybe we have the incorrect assumptions and ideas. Secondly, every person's life situation is different. I don't know the struggles my friend has. The challenges that he faces. What comes easy to him? What comes more difficult? What's easy for me might be quite difficult for someone else. How do I know?

There is an idea that says when we appear before G-d, he isn't going to ask us, "Why weren't you like _______ (fill in the blank with any great person over time, Abraham, Moses, David, etc..,)? Rather, we will be asked, "Why weren't you the best you during your life? Did you use all of your talents and gifts? Did you take advantage of everything I gave you?" What's expected of us is to make the best with what G-d has given us.

With this in mind, it is easy to understand why in death we are all equal. Only G-d knows what each person accomplished relative to their talents and gifts. G-d will sort out who belongs where in the next world. As for us, we treat everyone equally, as in death, we are all equal.

Welcome - Death could be beautiful

It was not an easy decision to start a blog about my work. I decided to go ahead with it, with the hopes of being able to present information in a more contemporary, new media manner. I am viewing this blog as an extension of my desk. My digital notepad. I hope to update this space with interesting stories, stimulating links, and any other relevant information to all issues of death.

My opening message is about perspective. When I started working at HFBA, the message was about death and darkness. HFBA's promotional video was filmed in brutal winter weather, with no life and beauty to be found. Promotional materials were targeted to an older, aging, population.

There was another approach, that I believed would be more relevant in the 21st century. That of life and positives. Our new video was filmed in the late summer. The cemetery is shown with is beautiful foliage. There are videos of children volunteers cleaning Silver Lake Cemetery. New promotional materials emphasize the life of HFBA's clients.

The constant challenge is presenting death in a positive light. At the end of the day, death is scary. It is dark. It is gloomy. There is no avoiding that reality. However, it can be framed in a positive light. A clean cemetery. Students clearing garbage and raking leaves. Stressing the importance of the work that's done. Explaining, that while death is sad, what's sadder is someone dying and being left to rot. Being buried in a mass grave, without any ritual involved.

What's beautiful is that HFBA exists to ensure that every Jew who passes away receives a dignified Jewish Burial. That, my friends, is a beautiful thing.