It all adds up - One day at a time

In a previous blog, I wrote about $10 donations adding up to something substantial. I'm going to break that down even more now. Every night, I empty the change in my pockets into my Coin Jar. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters. It all goes in. Last night, I decided to count my stash. In the past few months (when I previously emptied the jar) I stashed away over $31 in coins! $31 is not a monster amount, but it is significant. Literally, a nice chunk of change!

It's easy to not care about the few coins we have left over in our pocket each day. Its nothing. Paltry. Insignificant. But that's where small steps build into something big. So too with other aspects of our life.

Sometimes, we can view a task in front of us as challenging and looming. We're scared to begin. Instead of looking at the big mountain in front of us, we need to look at each component separately. Each part by itself is manageable. So that should be our approach.

One piece at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time.

When looking to make changes in our lives: diet, more time with family, read more, learn more, make small goals. Then proceed slowly and deliberately. Slowly, you will see progress, and substantial progress.

We value every second of life. Every breath is an opportunity to accomplish. No matter how small an accomplishment may seem, it is still an accomplishment and needs to be valued. This is a lesson that at HFBA, we try and impart to our clients.

And with our donors, we value every penny. It all adds up.

So today, start something small. A donation, time with your kids, more time in study. But take that first step. Come back to me in a few months. What you've collected will have added up to something big.

Fannie Kaplan

I could tell you the story of Fannie Kaplan but I couldn't do the story justice, so I'll let her brother, Bernard Kaplan (who has since passed away) tell you the story. Please view the video below.

(Transcript follows).



At the time Fannie passed away I was 8 years old. And she was 2. There was an epidemic. And then, of course, they had to bury this child. There was no money. Neither one had a bank book. Didn't have five cents in the bank.

An uncle of mine came along and he heard of an organization called the Hebrew Free Burial on the East Side. He contacted them. And they had come up and made all arrangements for burial and picked up the entire bill.

As the months went by, years went by, I say to my mother, "Ma, where is Fannie buried?" "Ich veisht nisht, epfes in Staten Island." And years went by and it always laid in back of my head, because no one gave me an answer.

Finally, I happened to go down one afternoon for a New York Post. And I see the headline, "Tragic Kids Never Forgotten." But when I read the paper, and I see a stone being placed, and next to the stone it says "Fannie Kaplan" I said this is quite a miracle. This is something I'm searching for 60 years, and to never find out where my sister was buried. This was really a miracle. It took me 60 years to find my sister.

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To particiapte in the Leave Your Mark program, to sponsor stones for indigent Jews, please contact the HFBA office at 212-239-1662.

Let G-d sort everything else out

While attending a conference yesterday, I was talking to people asking about HFBA, and our services. One person I spoke with asked me if someone had to be a religious, practicing Jew, to avail themselves of HFBA's services. I replied that HFBA buries all Jews, regardless of affiliation or observance. In death, we are all equal.

Man is not equipped to determine who G-d was pleased with or who G-d was disappointed with. Every Jew is buried wearing the same linen tachrichim (shrouds) and is placed in the same plain pine coffin. The graves are the same, and the prayers at the graveside are the same.

There is a human tendency to judge other people. We use our own standards of right and wrong and apply other people's actions to those standards. This is wrong on several points. First, how do we know that our standards of right and wrong are correct? Maybe we have the incorrect assumptions and ideas. Secondly, every person's life situation is different. I don't know the struggles my friend has. The challenges that he faces. What comes easy to him? What comes more difficult? What's easy for me might be quite difficult for someone else. How do I know?

There is an idea that says when we appear before G-d, he isn't going to ask us, "Why weren't you like _______ (fill in the blank with any great person over time, Abraham, Moses, David, etc..,)? Rather, we will be asked, "Why weren't you the best you during your life? Did you use all of your talents and gifts? Did you take advantage of everything I gave you?" What's expected of us is to make the best with what G-d has given us.

With this in mind, it is easy to understand why in death we are all equal. Only G-d knows what each person accomplished relative to their talents and gifts. G-d will sort out who belongs where in the next world. As for us, we treat everyone equally, as in death, we are all equal.

Cemetery Desecration

In the beginning of January, the Poile Zedek Cemetery in New Brunswick, NJ was vandalized. Hundreds of tombstones were toppled over, many of them suffering permanent damage. The alleged perpetrators of the crime are four teenagers. What has happened where teens can confuse a graveyard with a play yard?

I don't know what could motivate anyone to commit such an act of desecration, but I was moved by the coverage of this story in the media. Fortunately, the story wasn't ignored, and fortunately, work is underway to raise funds to restore the cemetery.

This is an opportunity to raise awareness of important cemetery issues. The Jewish concept of funeral and burial goes beyond the funeral. We erect monuments by the deceased. We visit the graves of our ancestors on a semi-regular basis. We go to the cemetery prior to important events, and before the High Holidays. The cemetery is not forgotten.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are cemeteries where the dead aren't visited. The graves aren't cared for. Everything is left and abandoned. At the Hebrew Free Burial Association, we work hard to ensure that doesn't happen. Our Cemetery Clean-Up Project enlists the help of volunteers to clean and maintain Silver Lake Cemetery. The volunteers walk around the cemetery, showing a commitment to not forget the people buried there. At Mount Richmond Cemetery, HFBA's donors have erected over 15,000 stones for previously unmarked graves.

There are sick people who seek enjoyment by desecrating a cemetery. Besides the financial loss incurred, there is a strong emotional loss as well. It is scary and traumatic. Hopefully, the perpetrators will be brought to justice. And perhaps, we can all learn a valuable lesson about the importance of cemeteries, and we can renew our commitment to ensuring they're treated with proper reverence and respect.

Alone at the grave

It is important to find the good in even the worst situations. That is especially true in my line of work, dealing with the forgotten in society. A month ago, I had the privilege of being the only person at the funeral for a man in his 70s who died all alone. He had never married, and his only sibling has a disability and is living in Arizona.

I say this was a privilege. Besides performing the mitzvah of burying this man, I was able to look around the cemetery and learn something about his life. As I previously wrote, many of our clients come to us without a full history. Here, we didn't know his Hebrew name or his parents' Hebrew names. But at the cemetery, he was buried next to his parents, and their stones revealed their names, and enough information to have an educated guess for his Hebrew name.

That person who we buried though had to have had some special merits to him. His funeral was paid for by the staff at a hospital where he volunteered. They ensured he was buried next to his parents. He had all of the proper ritual preparations performed prior to his burial. The necessary prayers were said at the funeral. This man must have done some positive things in his life that put into motion the sequence of events leading up to his burial.

We are all put in situations where we ask ourselves, "how did I get here?" Standing alone at the grave site, I asked myself that question. Why is it that I have been put in the situation of ensuring that every Jew receives a proper and dignified burial and funeral? I don't have an answer to this question, but I do know that I am a better person because of it.

If you want to gain perspective about life, about our friends, our family, go to the cemetery and walk around. Look at the stones. See when people died; were they young or old? Did they have family? A spouse? A child? I defy you to leave the cemetery the same as when you entered. You will have been transformed by the experience, and will truly appreciate your life's situation so much more for it.

Gone and forgotten

"You can't take it with you." That phrase is most commonly associated with money. However, it is becoming clearer to me that is also refers to one's history. When we die, so do our stories, our ideas, our memories. Now, many are fortunate enough to be survived by friends and loved ones. Many of the stories are known and the tales are retold from generation to generation. Family trees are drawn up and people are remembered. When the memories live on, the person lives on.

What's tragic is when someone isn't survived by friends or family. Then, the memories die too. Unfortunately, more often than not, the cases that come in to the Hebrew Free Burial Association have no relatives. The person's history is nonexistent. Who is this person? What did she do? Where did she live? What were her parents names? Tragically, the person is forgotten.

There is a solution for us with family to ensure that our family histories are remembered. Tell it over. On Passover, the Mitzvah of retelling the story of the exodus from Egypt is formulated, V'Higadita L'Bincha, and you should tell it over to your children. Record our stories. Write them down. Relate them to friends and family. This is part of the beauty of the Steven Spielberg's Shoah Foundation. By recording the stories of Holocaust Survivors, it is ensured that they're stories will live on, even when they do not.

Dead End?

I just returned from spending a week with family in Florida. Every day, when I drove back to the apartment I passed the same "Dead End" sign. Definitely not the first Dead End sign I've seen and it definitely won't be the last. But I do not recall being in a situation where I've seen a Dead End sign on such a regular basis. The sign got me thinking though. Isn't Dead End redundant? If something is dead, then that's the end!

And then I thought about many of our cases. Unfortunately, dead is just the beginning. End would be when the person is buried, but sometimes, the gap in between can be very large.

When I got back to the office this morning, I looked at the memos of the cases we handled in the past week. I kid you not, we buried a person this past Sunday, January 13, 2008 who died on March 29, 2007. Due to several mix-ups, the person was sent to the morgue and was never registered there. He was there but completely unaccounted for, and only recently was he discovered! Fortunately, HFBA was contacted and we buried the man.

We are presented every day with messages. Some are clear and some are hidden. But when the hidden ones are found, like the "Dead End" sign, the clarity that results is crystal clear.

Death is down

Jay Leno 1/7/2008: "The economy is so bad now that even the funeral business is suffering. How is that possible? Are things so bad that you're actually putting off burying Grandma. Prop her up by the porch there until spring!"

Ignoring the punchline for a moment, that is true. Death is down industry wide. People are living longer and until the generation gap is bridged, death will be down.

Going back to the punchline, the economics of death being down refer to the add ons that come with a funeral and burial. As we tell our clients over the phone, "a funeral is a commodity like anything else. You can get something cheap or something expensive." My guess is that people aren't propping Grandma up on the couch, but rather, they are burying grandma in a simpler casket then they may have several years ago. They're probably ordering fewer flowers for the funeral. By reducing the "add ons" they're reducing the price.

Judaism's approach to funerals and burials is fundamentally different. In death, all are equal. Man was created from dust, and will be returned to dust. Jews are buried in a simple wooden coffin. No fancy mahogany finishes, no lined interior. We are buried in simple shrouds called tachrichin, which don't have pockets to emphasize that we can't take our wealth with us.

The emphasis at a funeral should be on the deceased and his or her deeds. It should be a time of reflection and introspection. Add-ons detract from this serious atmosphere. Additionally, the funeral "add-ons" are just an additional expense for people who are in a vulnerable position, trying to arrange a funeral.

Death is big business, and there is a lot of profit out there for people to make, which is fine. People are entitled to make a living. But this shouldn't be at the expense of common sense. If the "add-ons" are too expensive, then there is nothing wrong with a simple funeral and burial. The Jews have been doing so for thousands of years.

The value of a $10 donation

Last year, several letters landed on my desk from students doing research projects on non-profits. One of the questions that the students asked was "What will a $10 donation do for your agency?" This got me to thinking...what does $10 accomplish?

I don't think they would've wanted to hear that $10 will buy some pens that we need in the office. Or that it would pay for 66% of a $15 death certificate. While both answers are true, I'm not sure that was the intent of the question. After thinking about it, I decided to run a report on all of the $10 donations that the Hebrew Free Burial Association received the previous year. That year, HFBA received 1,136 $10 donations. Grand Total: $11,360.

Walking on 7th Avenue in New York City, there are people collecting money in large buckets for food for the homeless. They call out above the noise of NYC, "One penny! Just one penny to feed the homeless." One penny will NOT feed the homeless. But my penny, plus the next person's penny, and the extra generous person's dollar all add up. Together, the people of New York will feed the homeless.

The same applies to the $10 donations to HFBA. One $10 donation won't bury someone. But put together, all of our $10 donors enabled us to bury 6 indigent Jews. That is something to be proud of.

The temptation exists to minimize our good deeds. "I ONLY gave $10. It's not like I gave $100." Or, "I gave someone a ride, what's the big deal? " This is a destructive attitude. It is important to realize that all of the good we do is important. It makes us better people, while helping those around us.

The next time you give a donation to a charity, regardless of the amount, don't underestimate its importance. Your donation is important!

What does "Nothing" mean to you?

At work, we sometimes get a phone call where the person says that the deceased died with "nothing" in the bank account? What does nothing mean? I have friends who would consider $1,000 nothing. Would Lebron James consider $10,000 nothing, when he earns $27 Million annually?

At HFBA, our definition of nothing is nothing. Zero dollars in the bank. We do provide assistance to those who assets are greater than nothing, but everything is determined on a sliding scale based on the deceased assets. But it is important to understand that everyone has a different definition of nothing. My life's circumstances are different than yours. Based on our upbringing and current life status, we are conditioned to place dollar amounts into categories (this person has nothing, this person is wealthy). What we're really saying is that compared to us, this is where this person ranks.

In Ethics of our Fathers, the question is asked, "Who is wealthy?" Answer: "The one who is satisfied with his portion." In today's economic climate, this is an extremely important lesson to hold onto. As our home values shrink, or as our rent increases, our belts are tightened. The other day, I paid $47.00 to fill up a Toyota Camry with a tank of gas. What happened to $2 for half a gallon of orange juice? Our money is important. We need to adjust our spending and saving accordingly. But we can not lose sight of the blessings that we've received and to be happy with them. True happiness comes with satisfaction.

For those who have nothing (using the zero definition), they can be comforted with the fact that HFBA will be there when they need help the most.

Welcome - Death could be beautiful

It was not an easy decision to start a blog about my work. I decided to go ahead with it, with the hopes of being able to present information in a more contemporary, new media manner. I am viewing this blog as an extension of my desk. My digital notepad. I hope to update this space with interesting stories, stimulating links, and any other relevant information to all issues of death.

My opening message is about perspective. When I started working at HFBA, the message was about death and darkness. HFBA's promotional video was filmed in brutal winter weather, with no life and beauty to be found. Promotional materials were targeted to an older, aging, population.

There was another approach, that I believed would be more relevant in the 21st century. That of life and positives. Our new video was filmed in the late summer. The cemetery is shown with is beautiful foliage. There are videos of children volunteers cleaning Silver Lake Cemetery. New promotional materials emphasize the life of HFBA's clients.

The constant challenge is presenting death in a positive light. At the end of the day, death is scary. It is dark. It is gloomy. There is no avoiding that reality. However, it can be framed in a positive light. A clean cemetery. Students clearing garbage and raking leaves. Stressing the importance of the work that's done. Explaining, that while death is sad, what's sadder is someone dying and being left to rot. Being buried in a mass grave, without any ritual involved.

What's beautiful is that HFBA exists to ensure that every Jew who passes away receives a dignified Jewish Burial. That, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

HFBA Video