Living For Every Moment

Earlier this week, a young man in my community died suddenly. He left behind a wife, a mother, and brothers. His father tragically died 11 years earlier. A very sad and tragic story, and one that's difficult to find meaning in. But here's my attempt.

When you break it down, life is a sequence of moments. And we string moments together to create a narrative; of our day, our week, our year. In the narrative, we tend to leave out the time in between the moments. They're only placeholders, enabling us to get from Point A to Point B. Perhaps, one can assume, the "placeholder" is intrinsically worthless. I say that a tragedy, the death of a young man, a crane collapsing on a city block, a terrorist attack, should be the wakeup call to destroy the assumption of the "worthless placeholder."

Time is our greatest asset. It's what we never seem to have enough of, and passes us by too fast. Why is that? Because we devalue the in between time. The subway ride, the walk to work, the waiting for a friend to arrive. When we become cognizant of the reality that our time can be taken away from us at a moment's notice, then we should revalue the downtime. Make use of it. Make it into a moment.

How does one make wasted time into useful time? Think. Use the brain. Contemplate. Today its hard to think. We're distracted by our cell phone or our ipod. Start thinking. About what? Our life. Our family. What we can do for someone. What did someone do for us. Try and find a deeper meaning in our actions and relationships. Thinking can transform a minor moment and make it greater.

When tragedy strikes, it is a wakeup call. How can we improve ourselves? Our relationships with our spouses? Our children? Our parents, our siblings, our friends? How can we make better use of our time? Taking a tragedy, and using it as a springboard for improvement, will motivate us to become better people, which in reality, is a great tribute to the one who tragically, is no longer with us.

Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav

Two weeks ago, a terrorist, on a murderous rampage, murdered eight young students in Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav in Jerusalem. Many aspects of this tragedy have been discussed and written about, but I'm writing about the cleanup that followed the massacre.

The Torah writes, "And your camp should be holy." There are many different ways to describe being holy, but to paraphrase former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, who in describing something very unholy said, "I'll know it when I see it," I saw holiness in the cleanup that night. I strongly urge you to click on this link to see pictures of that effort, courtesy of Arutz Sheva. However, I warn you, the images are graphic and violent.

Holiness is caring for every last drop of spilled blood, every remnant of skin, and every last strand of hair. Seeing the attention given to every remnant of a life that once was a reminder of the great care that Judaism gives to the human body, in life and in death. The remains were collected with dignity and preserved to be buried with respect, and not discarded in a biohazard container.

Our bodies are not ours to do as we please with them. They are on loan from G-d. We don't have permission to destroy them. We need to care for our bodies, eat the right foods, exercise properly, moderate our alcohol consumption, and never put a cigarette in our mouths. Seeing the care given to the body after death, shouldn't we give at least equal care to the body when its alive?

Who Created You With Justice

It is well known that one says a bracha (makes a blessing) prior to eating food. However, it is not as well known that there is a bracha that is said when one hasn't seen a Jewish grave in the past thirty days. This bracha is called, Asher Yatzar Eschem BaDin (Who created you with justice).

The bracha is an acknowledgment that one's entire life, from when he is born to when he died (and when he will eventually be resuscitated), and all that he experienced in his life, was overseen by G-d's attribute of justice. This is an important lesson that helps give one perspective when he hasn't been in a cemetery for a while.

As we live our life, we are caught up in day to day living. We don't focus on the whys and hows of our existence. We don't focus on our place in the world, and what G-d does to us and for us. However, when we experience a death, we are shocked into thought. And when we go to a cemetery, we question why? And that's why we say the blessing. We are stating our belief that even though we don't know all the answers, we affirm that everything that G-d does is with justice.

This past month has seen many tragedies for the Jewish people. It is precisely at this point where we need to affirm our belief in G-d's justice. And as we greet the holiday of Purim, which tells the story of our triumph over our enemies, we should see another triumph this year, and see the end of all sorrow with the beginning of our redemption.

Jewish Burial Customs

It is not surprising that many people don't know all of the customs and procedures regarding a Jewish burial. This is not a topic taught to students while they are in school (although, HFBA is changing that, due to the success of the Cemetery Clean-Up Project).

While each case in unique, and there are minor differences based on location (burials in Israel are conducted a little differently than burials in the United States) or based on tradition (Ashkenazi as opposed to Sefardi), the basics are universal.

A great summary of these customs can be found at the website of the The Vaad Harabonim of Queens Chevra Kadisha. For a little bit more of an explanation, Aish.com has published an article by Rabbi Maurice Lamm entitled The Jewish Way of Death, which also contrasts Jewish with non-Jewish burial traditions.

I highly recommend visiting these websites and learning more about Jewish funerals and burials.

Hate Exists

While looking for some more information about the desecration of the Poile Zedek Cemetery in New Brunswick, NJ (see previous blog post about this), I was shocked to see how many recent cases of cemetery desecration have occurred in the United States. The Kansas legislature is reviewing legislation to make cemetery desecration a felony (as opposed to a misdemeanor). Among the most appalling recent instances of cemetery desecration occurred in a suburb of Chicago.

As reported by the local NBC affiliate the cemetery was desecrated by a 21 year old Polish immigrant, who is a member of a neo-Nazi organization.

"When you deal with people who are involved with these hate groups, their rationale is not something that most of us would ever understand," said Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart. "They usually are looking to stand out among their group."

How do we fight such movements? What can we do to protect our cemeteries?

On a practical level, we need to ensure that our cemeteries are properly enclosed. They should be fenced in and locked at night. While someone looking to commit a crime will find a way, all practical deterrents need to be employed.

Addressing the root of the problem, education is needed. Our children need to be taught about the injustices of history. Whether it is the Holocaust, or the historical oppression of African-Americans in the United States, or the current genocide in Darfur, we need to teach and inform others about history. Why these events took place? Why weren't the injustices stopped? What are the lessons that we can learn?

Hate exists. We need to educate our children that hate is wrong. We need to educate ourselves about hatred throughout history. Otherwise, society is doomed to a continuance of hate and intolerance.

Know Your Cemetery Fees

This past week, CBS2 in New York City reported on a potential case of price gouging by a cemetery. One hour prior to the funeral service's start, the funeral home received a call from the cemetery with a new price for the cemetery fees (not the grave, rather the grave opening). The price jumped from $1,100 to $3,500. A $2400 jump!

Why? President Lincoln's birthday.

Cemeteries are notorious for their overtimes and additional services fees. Funeral on a Sunday? Extra. Funeral in the afternoon? Extra. Funeral on a Sunday afternoon? Extra Squared.


What's the take home lesson from all this? Call your cemetery now!! Ask for a price sheet. Ask for all of the possible fees on all of the possible days. Sundays and Holidays. Ask them if there is an overtime charge? When does overtime begin? Get everything in writing. This way, there will be no surprises when the grave is needed.

One caveat. Cemeteries frequently change their prices. It is probably a good idea to call every year to make sure you have updated information.

Honoring our parents

The Torah teaches us that the reward for honoring one's father and mother is receiving long life. One of the reasons given by the commentators for this, is that honoring one's parents is time consuming. Especially as they age. A long life is "payback" of sorts for the time spent honoring one's parents.

Today, people are living longer and longer. Breakthroughs in science have brought us new medicines, surgeries, and treatments that were science fiction just a few years ago. However, while people are living longer, in many instances they require more care. And since people are living longer, there are more generations involved in the decision making for caring for our loved ones as they age.

It is important though, that people have a burial plan in place as well. While uncomfortable to discuss, it can alleviate much stress and aggravation when our loved one passes away. Death is business. While most funeral homes are honest and care about their clients, there are cases where an unscrupulous person took advantage of a family, who in great emotional distress, didn't have the ability to question the funeral home. Better to have everything planned (and as much as possible paid for) in advance, when the emotions aren't strong, and everything can be thought out and prepared properly.

We honor our parents by caring for them in life. By having a plan in place, it is easier, practically and emotionally, to honor them in death as well.